Suit No: CC 5/2007
Decision Date: 19 Mar 2007
Court: Doughnut Shop
Coram: Judge Jan
Counsel: Mothers of Policemen(Deputy Public Prosecutors) for the prosecution, Fat Police Men for the accused.
Judgement
19 Mar 2007
Judge Jan:
1. On the 19th of March 2007, a policeman on patrol was indulging on a box of Original Glazed Doughnuts. about 6 hours consuming the Original Glazed Doughnuts, he suddenly felt a pain in his heart and collasped to the ground and died. Dr. Zeng confirmed that due to overconsumption of Doughnuts, the policeman had suffered from a cardiovascular disease (CVD), and had angina and abnormal heart rhythm. He either died of a heart attack or congestive heart failure, resulting in sudden cardiac death.
2. As a result of its oh-so-lovable-sweetness, the accused is spared the prospect of a capital charge. Instead the policeman's mother, Mdm. Policeman wishes for Original Glazed doughnuts to be sentenced to excel, s 1(a) of the Penal Code (Cap 001, 1992 Rev Ed) (“the Penal Code”).
3. Migrating from North America by Dutch settlers and becoming a PR in Singapore, the Original Glazed donut suffered a traumatic childhood. At birth, it was born with a hole in its heart. Once, it was submerged in boiling oil. In the shop(its home town), it was constantly being bullied by the Torus-shaped Ring Doughnuts, and the Filled Doughnut, a flattened sphere injected sweet filling as they believed they had more substance than the Original Glazed doughnut.
The Facts:
4. The family of the policeman were all serving in the police force and suffered from Obesity due to overconsumption of Doughnuts. It was confirmed that his whole family line suffered from ODD (obsessive doughnuting disorder). It was predictable that the Policeman should suffer from cardiovascular diseases.
5. The Original Glazed donut contained substances prohibited by the law of healthy eating.
The Evidence
The autopsy report
Dr Heng performed an autopsy on the Accused and confirmed that the the Accused contained 200 calories which is equivalent to 10% of a human's daily intake requirement. It also contained large amounts of saturated and trans fats which is most probably the cause of the policeman's heart problem.
The profile of the accused
The Original Glazed doughnut is dough that is deep-fried in oil and glazed with a layer of melted sugar which hardens and forms a nice crisp layer on the top of the doughnut. This melts in your mouth to give a sensational taste.
Antecedents
The Accused was also convicted of raising the level of low-density lipoprotein (LDL) cholesterol, reducing high-density lipoprotein (HDL) cholesterol, increasing the ratio of total cholesterol to HDL cholesterol, and increasing triglyceride levels. It is also convicted of altering membrane fluidity and responses of membrane receptors and diabetes.
Sentence
" I hereby sentence Original Glazed Doughnuts to 24 hours imprisonment in the digestive system for causing sudden cardiac death of the policeman. yea"
Conclusion
Doughnuts are BAD and EVIL and TASTY.
tastiness.
happiness.
